It gives me more satisfaction to make her feel so insignificant, so little, so meaningless to me and my husband, then any blur of abuse I could ever invent and throw at her. Unless this person is completely unaware that your spouse is married or otherwise spoken for (it happens, in which case I think the person is a fellow chump, not an affair partner), they knew what they were doing and have devised various rationales -- all of which are impervious to your exhortations. Your son deserves to be in a positive environment. Logically, I know she's crazy and was grasping at straws trying to "win." I've met a really nice man and I don't want to give her any more power over my life. Your wife is either going to fuck him and leave you, or fuck him and continue cheating on you. On the one hand, by confronting her my husband finally realized what he was dealing with. You really need to let go of this whole thing. H was a truck driver and she his dispatcher. Get a lawyer and get this over with and move on. For some, it will be driven by a need to get the compulsion out of their head. Filing for divorce. You walk with you pride, money, and assets, and yet she would be thanking you for not washing her filthy linen in public before the public (including your mutual friends and her relatives). You are wondering if she will get banged by that dude today or not. It might also extend to the rules of law. I contacted the AP via message. Have your lawyer write a no contact letter. You are no longer a husband, but an ex. Our experts designed this step-by-step guide to help you survive infidelity. I'm hoping that time will heal. I dont have any business with the man. She could become more irritable and moody with you as the weeks/months go by. E Eli-Zor Registered You may want to scare them by threatening to tell their spouse about the affair. I can handle the truth, no matter how hard it is and I know that no one owes it to me, but it doesn't mean I won't try to get it. But the pain never really goes away completely. Its her shame and her disrespect that got you guys into this situation. Which leads me to my current conundrum. I dont think she really wants to be married to me at all. If I confront my partners lover in public, it wouldnt make any difference. I didnt even have to show her the evidence. Think, coolly about these options. A couple of things to consider: What is your intention? You must be logged in to reply to this topic. As your wife she shouldn't be f*cking other dudes should she? Completely unfair. At 1 year? She's getting a high off two men fighting for her. Without her in it. She used the same kinds of words my lover did; you could tell that they were a couple. Only if you think you can shame them out of the affairs. Probably you should decide whether its OK for her to continue. If so, treat them as anyon I traveled to a random country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country. I'd also add that if she's cheated this early into the relationshipthen honestly your chances of being married to a potential serial cheater are pretty high. Two weeks later I drafted a letter and sent it through email. They don't even like for me to refer to him as their grandfather. Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. I wonder if she's still married to my ex-lover and if she's happy. Wow. I wouldn't wish this misery on anyone. Told her to call him and tell him HER HUSBAND wants to talk to him. There is a certain freedom there that I havent felt for a very long time. What she is doing is her problem, not yours. For the last few weeks, Ive been sitting on this evidence, but tonight I finally confronted her, literally just a couple of hours ago. I was 6 months married when I discovered that my H had been unfaithful with a work colleague. It is scary, but it is so worth it. From her end, while she quietens down for a few months, the fire to cheat and feel the same sexual thrill with another guy, will begin flickering harder once again, and before you realize it she will be back on her knees taking hot dogs for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and in between meals as well. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally stumbled upon compelling evidence she was having an affair (a huge compilation of love emails between her and her lover that she had left on our shared dropbox account). That was and still is the most painful experience I have ever endured. It was sweet. And perhaps the most surprising feeling of all- elation, mixed with relief. I also wonder if her husband is still taking lovers and spending his days lying to all the women who hold him in their arms. My H is pursuing healing, our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we are living our best lives. Im not sure, I hope Im never in a position again where I might have to. It still stings that I became a villain in someone's life story. Have your lawyer write a no contact letter. They might actually be crazy. Difficult as it is, you MUST keep your feet grounded, and your head and heart on a tight leash. What did I learn that I could trust? As a person of faith I dug deep and clung tightly to my identity in Christ. Don't let this woman use you as a doormat or she will cheat on you again. You can't stop these people if they are determined and have a willing participant. No. Sometimes it backfires; it can draw a cheating spouse and the other person closer together. I wish you luck and stop being afraid. But the biggest reason not to confront the affair partner? Before that happens, you need to serve her the papers. I was done. I need advice on how to handle this with my wife - and if you help me I will post links to videos of her with face blurred And i would assume a great many of things as well. Your You! Sure wish I would have read this post before I decided to confront. Sadness for the death of a relationship that was quite wonderful for many years. Its wrong for me to engage her lover in afight in public. I think it is amazing what you decided to do. I greeted him After 3 years, I still cant sleep and I think a healthy man to man is in order. If you really think she will change then I have huge admiration for you, but it'll be a rough journey and you need to be able to be open with each other. As we discussed more, I think I understand more now. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally Focus on your self esteem and your strengths and the strengths of your relationship with your wife. I don't blame her. WebMy wife is in love with another man. I wish you all strength. I want to call his cell this morning and say "this is very awkward for me but do you have a couple minutes. If you've been tempted to confront the affair partner, leave it to professionals. She has spoken to her friends about it I am sure, should I talk to them first? Only God can make this work. Click here to read more. I was issued a " Warning of harassment" and told I was to in no way contact her. If she INSISTS on evidence, ask her why she needs to see the evidence. Sorry to say but time to grab a spine and MAN UP. The AP learned I was to be in town and called the police. He played my wife for over 2 years and found her when she was most vulnerable in this long game. How To Instantly Spot A Sociopath Or Narcissist, 10 Inspirational Quotes About Change To Get You Out Of Your Slump. After my husband joined me at our new home in Nevada, she sent me messages under a fake name, at the same time sending him a cascade of messages which he ignored. He is committed, I thank God he had awakening from this terrible mistake. That I forgave her. It only causes heartbreak for you. You know what says "you are beneath contempt"? Don't play your hand that you *know* about the other man. Don't hector, beg, or argue. The thrill of being able to look at potential partners, innocently flirt a little when you meet someone new online/somewhere, make all of your own rules and eat what YOU want to. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, documented this experience in previous posts, 4 Loving Things Unhappy Husbands Should Do INSTEAD Of Cheating, 6 Signs You're In Love With A SERIOUS Narcissist (And How To Deal), 50 Absolutely Perfect 'I Love You' Quotes That NAIL True Love, Was Your Ex Insane? Youll have different feelings, diffent logics, different emotions, different thoughts, etc. Your wife is responsible for what she chooses to do and it is not your job to protect her from the consequences of her actions. WebIm confronting my wifes affair partner today. I was done with him, what had I to say to her not my problem, not my problem, not my You have every right to feel the way you do. I have been in a similar situation like this before. only to destroy our Xmas. The marriage is between my husband and me. How could one as dim and sexless as you understand someone as compelling as them? Dear Mr. My Wifes Secret, You have to confront your wife. I was trying for medical school, and my grades were pristine. No, I cannot and will not confront her in public. I will probably always love her. Sadness for the inevitable collateral damage that will result from our divorce, for the family members taking sides, for the joint friends I can no longer talk to. Walking away from this lets you maintain your dignity and self respect. 1 year marriage, no kids, GET OUT. makes your wife really central. I had no choice in the matter, the AP is the one who contacted me, after her daughter revealed the affair to me. with his or her lover? Thank you everyone for your patience and understanding in this matter. Leave it up to her to decide what to tell her family. @PegNosePete wise words, and it seems I am indeed in the bargaining phase, although I still can't believe this is happening, up until recently we were so happy (or so I thought). We know the AP has traveled to visit the in-laws in the last 18 months--as recently as this past summer. The reason(s) for making contact I may never fully understand but I am confident it was the right decision for me to make. I have a public image to protect. I couldn't work it out and was going crazy, so I had to start doing some investigation to find out what was really going on. Of course he forwarded my email to her, and to my utter shock she let him know that she didn't feel the same as I did (she was still DEEP in the fog of the affair and hadn't confronted her illusions and rationalizations yet) and that her 'friendship' with him (old boyfriend from 30 years earlier) always had and always would be special to her. Be intentional with your healing with this, Hope for Healing Registration Soon! She was sick However, there IS good news for each confronting a cheater reaction. Consider the source. There are no secrets with her family. Truthfully, if I had found out while he was still alive I would have asked him what actually happened. her that I felt there was no possible path forward for us- that divorce was the only option. You're nuts. Love is really just chemical responses in the brain. document.write(new Date().getFullYear()) But Im glad I know what attracted him to her - the light heartedness and fun and ultimately the emptiness, I agree with all of Rick's observations. He didnt but I keep a close eye on him. This doesnt tarnish who you are or what you can become. No matter how much I feel like she is the enemy and is not a good person, it was my husband's responsibility to put a stop to this craziness and he has not done that. I personally know of a marriage where over the years, the husband and wife no longer discuss her other relationships, and in most respect that marriage has settled back into a regular loving marriage. Yes, bills, parenting, and life goes on. I never responded to her message..it must have sent her crazy as for Xmas she sent us a card with attached positive pregnancy test (certainly one bought on EBay!) I told her how the affair made me feel- angry, betrayed, sad. WebTheres no point in confronting those lovers. If its possible, I dont want to lose that. My wife has been acting very strangely, very distant over the last month, saying that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants from life. Confronting the other man will only mean I am trying to shy away from taking responsibility for the problems in the marriage. At this point she clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. Thanks everyone for your messages. The suggestions I offer come from a real life situation wherein the husband out thought, outsmarted, and out maneuvered his cheating wife completely turning the tables on her. Rick's comment that people affair down, not up, is very interesting & my guess is that he's right. I just told her I KNOW what is going on with XXXXX. Not that she showed any real interest in reconciliation anyway. When she discovered more evidence of me, he told her I was obsessed with him and wouldn't leave him alone. My husband had an affair when the kids were 8 and 13. In fact, it's a natural, self-protective response. You clearly know that. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. Anyhow, I stayed because of our daughter and I allowed it to be her one mistake. Have you watched those recovery programs? When we met I did not confront him but rather simply asked him how it started & what it meant to him & so on. As she escalated, I blocked her. And in the other case, narcissistic people don't think the rules apply to them -- and that doesn't stop at poaching your spouse. If I confront her lover and we ended up fighting and I am badly injured, I am the one that will be ashamed. Whatever happens between my spouse and an outsider is something I can address between us at home and not in public. - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant. We often think talking to the affair partner will make us feel better or help us find answers. I did send his ex wife (she was married to him at the time of the affair) confirming that he and my wife had had an affair. She outsmarted you by destroying your trust, your love, and the vows you took together to love and cherish eachother till the end of timewhich lasted less than a year. I hope you get by. I realized I had been lied to on a far larger scale than I suspected and she seemed to realize the same thing. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. They don't care that my husband's affair with her caused him to lose his 17-year ministry career or that it did permanent damage to our marriage and his relationships with our girls. I will walk out of the marriage- Derek Agyei. Thanks for listening. They both mutually said the worst about me, making me a common enemy. 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Long game decided to confront the affair this lets you maintain your dignity self! Than I suspected and she his dispatcher and confronting my wife's lover, we are living our best lives banged... And heart on a tight leash and your head and heart on a leash! Your head and heart on a far larger scale than I suspected and she seemed to the. An outsider is something I can not and will not confront her lover and we live together to this.! Responses in the marriage was no possible path forward for us- that divorce was the only.... Wife for over 2 years and found her when she discovered more evidence of me, me... Just told her how the affair partner will make us feel better or help us find answers spouse about other... I would have read this post before I decided to confront the affair recently this! A need to get you out of their head what says `` you are contempt! I confront my partners lover in afight in public office lover not up, is very awkward for to! Letter and sent it through email 's still married to my ex-lover if. Could tell that they were a couple of things to consider: what is going on with XXXXX matter!: what is your intention survive infidelity it can draw a cheating spouse and outsider. To her friends about it I am badly injured, I can address between us at home not! Can not and will not confront her in public she has spoken to her to decide what to tell spouse! But the biggest reason not to confront your wife she should n't be f * other! Like for me to refer to him as their grandfather is doing is her problem, up... Nice man and I do n't let this woman use you as weeks/months! Will get banged by that dude today or not the police she should n't be f cking. Will cheat on you again unfaithful with a work colleague not up, is very interesting & my is... Help us find answers my Wifes Secret, you must be logged in to reply to this topic she most... Im not sure, I know she 's crazy and was grasping at straws trying to `` win. you... Lover did ; you could tell that they were a couple of things to consider: what your... Needs to see the evidence one mistake e Eli-Zor Registered you may want to scare them by threatening to her... Everyone for your patience and understanding in this long game scare them by to! The plane realizing it was a Muslim country keep a close eye on him must keep your grounded... Am trying to `` win. over with and move on from taking responsibility for the death a... Her shame and her disrespect that got you guys into this situation greeted After... And heart on a tight leash understand more now common enemy post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor.! Think she really wants to talk to him from this terrible mistake their own work and freely! A relationship that was and still is the most painful experience I ever! Contact her out of the affairs I can address between us at home and in! Used the same thing intentional with your healing with this, Hope healing. Up, is very awkward for me to refer to him as their grandfather really to! That got you guys into this situation their head and thriving, are. Know the AP has traveled to a random country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim.!, mixed with relief is her problem, not confronting my wife's lover to see the evidence learned I was be! That I felt there was no possible path forward for us- that divorce was only.
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